Tomonobu Itagaki is a brilliant man. Ever since he first introduced the concept of ‘breast physics’ into 3D games back in 1996, the face (and chest) of fighting games, and all games, have been changed forever.

Was Team Ninja acceleratting the natural progression of the gaming culture with this ‘breast’ thing? Or was it just a last ditch gimmick, designed to maintain the attention of high-maintenance gamers, who would have otherwise passed up a mediocre game? Well, it’s a little bit of both. As many of you know, the name ‘Dead or Alive’ is significant to this Tecmo series, because it was indeed Tecmo’s last chance to regain the favor of gamers who had moved on to greener pastures. In light of this, desperate times call for desperate measurements. But it’s not as if bouncing breasts hadn’t already happened in fighting games anyway, and despite the ludicrousness of the execution in DOA, it’s not as if it wasn’t going to be happening eventually. The truth is, if my penis were a compass, from the moment I had played DOA1, it was clear that Tecmo was going in the right direction.

While it’s true that DOA1 was ultimately an uninspired Virtua Fighter clone with incredibly generic characters, and an awkward inclusion of Ryu Hayabusa, by October of 1999, when DOA2 came out, it had truly come into it’s own. It was the best looking 3D fighter at the time, it played fluidly and it looked like a movie. To give you perspective on how good this game actually looked, Tekken Tag Tournament came out at around the same time, and Namco had to give it a complete makeover on the PS2, in order for it not to look completely dated in comparison.

Here it is now, 2004, and Tecmo, thanks to Team Ninja and Itagaki, is one of the hottest and most lucrative developers on the market. They’re coming off of the wave of success of Ninja Gaiden and DOAXVB, and everything is going well. DOA Ultimate is about to come out and it really sounds like a great idea. Itagaki’s toting this as a reprisal of his favorite Dead or Alive game, with all new graphics, a couple of new gameplay elements, and the all-too-elusive online fighting game action, which he claims is coded FLAWLESSLY! Not only that, it even comes packed in with an online version of DOA1, finally arcade perfect, unlike the PS1 and Saturn versions that were released so long ago. Sounds cool on paper! Unfortunately, the execution of it all just didn’t deliver the cohesion that one might expect.

As soon as you turn on the game, everything familiar about DOA jumps out at you like Jann Lee’s dragon kick. Blaring Aerosmith music, an insanely immersive intro cinema, and familiar characters all serve to retell the DOA2 story in a much more creative way than anybody who has ever played Team Ninja’s previous fighting game efforts would have ever thought possible. The menus, option screens, and overall interface are exactly the same as all of DOA’s predecessors, save for a few new options here and there.

Watching the DOA2U intro, you learn about the history of Ayane, Kasumi, Hayate and Raidou, in some of the grittiest ways possible. Itagaki tackles many complex issues such as sibling rivalry, social hierarchy and even anger rape and rape-baby guilt. For a game with such light-hearted beginnings and characters who I’ve always written off as emotionless marionettes, the amount of depth added between these few characters is pretty dramatic. The intro even made Raidou, or as I like to refer to him, ‘Guido Gouki,’ awesome. I’m not completely sure what Itagaki’s obsession with Aerosmith is, and why it runs so deeply that he decided to include it in this intro, but it’s almost enough to take you out of it. Attaching ‘Dream On’ to such a hardcore, serious ninja intro is literally tantamount to adding the Benny Hill theme to 911 footage.

As excited about the game that the atmosphere surrounding it made me, actually playing the game itself really took me out of it. My first goal was to unlock as many Tina and Lei-Fang outfits as I possibly could, and hopefully learn about what was new and become reacquainted with the system. The fact is, coming off of the progress of DOA3, the game feels extremely dated, and very incomplete. It pains me to say it, but there is no other way to say it than that it made me miss DOA3. DOA2 was never respected for its gameplay, and I don’t see any reason for Team Ninja to restrict the gameplay to DOA2, just because that’s the storyline of the series. Perhaps they just thought it might sell too many copies if they took that approach.

There are a few new elements in the game, but honestly, all that they do is serve to further take the gamer out of the gaming experience. I’ve always thought that the idea of danger zones was a pretty cool feature in the game, and wall damage makes sense too, but DOAU introduces the idea of slopes. Slopes are nothing short of annoying, especially when there are some stages that are all slopes, such as the Great Wall of China stage. Many times, you will start the game right next to a slope, and get hit with a strike, and take 50% damage just because of your default positioning. I wish that this was the only con, but it’s not. Some of the slopes are so long that it takes about 5 to 10 seconds off of the game clock and it creates a huge, unecessary break in the action. I don’t mind the inclusion of slopes because it all falls in line with the hong kong action movie feel of the game, but I can’t help but feel like, if they didn’t do damage, it wouldn’t be so bittersweet.

There are also special slope throws for everyone. These are cool, and many times hilarious. Not only that, but they make a lot more sense in terms of damage and usage. Unfortunately, they’re never practical, and I’ve never seen anybody do them outside of practice mode.

There’s no taking away from the fact that DOA2 is a great party game due to its simplicity, but the fact of the matter is that the gameplay is now five years old, many gamers have played one of the three other iterations of this game within the past five years to the point of excess, and without anything new to appeal to those of us who are already tired of it, it amounts to nothing more than a contestant of Extreme Videogame Makeover. Shiny new exterior, same crappy interior.

One intriguing element of the gameplay are the many ways that you can play it on the XBOX controller. Thanks to Team Ninja’s foresight, you can always be sure that they have their core consumers in mind. Allow me to demonstrate.

I shit you not, the one-handed control scheme is ever-present, and all too important in DOAU.

DOA’s strong point has always been it’s characters, and all of the familiar faces from DOA2 are here and they all look better than ever. The females have been augmented as necessary and there are over one hundred outfits at your disposal now, so there’s a look to match everybody’s personality. The only new face is Hitomi from DOA3, and she’s received a few gameplay changes here and there, in order to align her with the DOA2 system. The most notable edit in DOA2U is definitely Ryu Hayabusa, as he has been completely unified him with his Ninja Gaiden persona in this game. All of his outfits are present, as well as quite a few new great ones that really suit everyone’s favorite modern-day super ninja. It’s unfortunate that Ayane didn’t receive the same treatment.

All of the characters had at least one real-time cinema added to their storyline, but there is not one single substantial scene to be found in any of them. It’s disappointing to find out how little attention was paid to this, considering the declarations of a dramatic DOA retelling that Itagaki railed on about in his interviews prior to the game’s release. The endings are all exactly the same as before, and are all very ambiguous and lame. The best ending is when Gen Fu grab’s Tengu’s nose, and that’s just for comedy value alone. Also, is it me, or does Kasumi not have an ending at all? Are there some special requirements you have to meet to gain insight on her ending?

The only story that really caught my attention was Bass’ story. This story is brilliant. It starts out with him incestually coveting a poster of his daughter Tina (a poster that is different almost everytime you play through it with him) and then it moves on with him actually being the American hero he was meant to be and carrying an Oil Tanker directly out of the middle east, with nothing but man power and a chain. After that, he actually engages in a fight with Zack, because he’s horrified at the thought of a strange black man taking reparations by means of ransacking his beautiful, blonde daughter’s virgin snatch. In the end, he is safely back at home, anxiously tapping his foot, while trying to fight his primal urges as he watches his daughter model clothing on television. Bass is truly a man of values, and his story chronicles the trials and tribulations of any red-blooded, american, southern, white, father.

The atmosphere in DOA2U has to be where it shines most. Every single stage from DOA2 has been completely updated for the future and all of the terrains are top of the line. In addition to this, there are several new playgrounds for you to enjoy as well. Some of the stages are extremely dramatic battlgrounds, such as the bridge, or the Great Wall, while other stages deviate from the norm quite a bit to create a more lighthearted, original feel, such as the safari jungle, and Zack’s disco arena. Attention to detail was crucial for Team Ninja in every aesthetic element of this game, and it really comes together with the various backgrounds in this game. The stages are all more enormous than ever, and the ambience, whether dark or light, is always well suited for battle. The best stage in the game has to be Tengu’s as it shows off DOA2U’s greatest effect. When Tengu chooses to, he can alter the seasons that the stage appears in and the first few times you see it, it’s freaking amazing. I’ve never seen an effect like this in a game, in my life, and I was truly impressed. The winter aspect, does however interfere with your visibility quite a bit, but otherwise, the execution is flawless.

The game’s soundtrack is just as fabulous and cheesy as ever, and I recognize all of the tunes, and many of them are remixed. Some of the tracks are extremely memorable while others, including a couple of the new ones fall flat. The ones that I find the most memorable is due to their cheesiness. The thing that I like about the music is the fact that’s character-specific though. Many games of this genre are doing stage-specific music now, and that just doens’t cut it for me. The fact is, having your own themesong adds a level of depth to your character that you otherwise wouldn’t be able to achieve. However, the beauty of DOA, is that it has stage music as well. So if you feel differently than me, it caters to both of our desires.

The sound quality of the game is also up there with the best of them too, offering you voice samples from previous games as well as newer ones and several options for your announcer and system voices. The sound effects, while there’s nothing new, aren’t dated either, as it isn’t as if there’ve been any advances made in that technology since we switched to CD/DVD format anyway. One thing I’d like to have been able to hear would be a “BROING” or a “BALLOOP” when the female competitors get punched in the sili-sacks.

DOAU is a pretty complete package that delivers quite a few unexpected surprises as well. For one, if you missed out on the booster disc for DOA3, it’s included with this game, so you can revitalize DOA3 with a new outfit for every character as well. In addition to that, G4TechTV’s IcOns program, featuring the history of Team Ninja, DOA, and Itagaki has also been included on the DOA2 DVD for you to watch at any time that you want. Granted, there are a few edits here and there, but the whole story is there for you to enjoy.

I can’t classify DOA1 as anything other than an extra as well, as every con that I mentioned about DOA2 is magnified by 100 here. Only the most nostalgic of players will even bother to go back and play this game, with its terribly inconsistent throw system that require thumb gymnastics of olympic calibur, and the fact that it just plain feels slow and looks terrible, there’s nothing really redeeming here. Even online play is a waste of effort. There are several costumes to unlock in the game, and you can also play as Raidou if you work hard enough, but honestly, you won’t.

The most important aspect of this game is the online aspect. This is why people are going to buy the game. The online system in DOAU creates a virtual arcade, in which two players play, and up to 6 others can wait in line and watch or commentate on the game. There are many fun features to toy with, such as voice masking, screen alteration, zooming and even more. The only drawback is that usually, by the time the room gets full, there will be quite a bit of lag. There are a number of reasons that this occurs, and all of the blame can’t be placed on Team Ninja. In playing online, I found that the chagrin felt by most players in regards to the lag was the fact that Itagaki toted the online coding as flawless and lag-free. Well, he wasn’t lying. He was simply addressing Japan. In Japan, you can play anybody lag free in this game without problems, unfortunately, when you are dealing with a country the scope of the United States, or Canada, problems will occur. The fact is, no fighter has been flawless online as of yet. In DOAU, you can definitely play with your friends in matches that are virtually unhindered by lag, and when there is lag, it’s usually acceptible.

If you are looking for random games, however, and playing the game for serious challengers, expect a world of problems from blue screen of death, to getting inadvertently dropped. It’s all going to happen here. I think that the sacrifice is worth it, because despite all of the issues that I have with playing this game alone, or with a couple of my friends, the XBOX LIVE matches are CLASSIC. I’ve had fun voice chatting and playing, commenting on Itagaki, and meeting random weirdo perverts like me, who just enjoy watching Lei Fang and Tina fight in swimsuits. Plus, you never know who is using the one-handed control scheme that Team Ninja put in. Unless you’re playing against me.

Basically, Team Ninja did serve up exactly what they promised, and if you look at it objectively, they didn’t really promise very much. Well, that’s what they gave you, not very much. But hey, it’s online, and hey, you’re not playing this for the amazing gameplay, and hey, best XBOX LIVE fighting game interface EVER. Be happy guys, it’s not what it should be, but it is what it is. I’m not going to recommend this as a purchase for anyone but the most hardcore of DOA fans while it is 50 bucks, but as soon as it drops to 30 or 40, I’d definitely give this a buy. It’s far and out the best, and most popular fighting game on XBOX live right now, and there’s always challengers. Watch out for Hayabusa cheese fellas.

• Developer: Team Ninja
• Publisher: Tecmo
• Score: 77%