Another Valentines’ Day passed you by, champ? Don’t worry … next year will be different! (And I know we’ve said for that the past 4 years) but next year really will! Honest!

And what better way to ensure your membership among the happy smiley casualwear models than an in-depth psychological profile into you and your ideal partner?

OK so we don’t have one of those … but we have the next best thing: The HerV Love Match! A totally mature and non-childish questionnaire to help determine just who you should be stalking next year. Take the test HERE.

Answer as many of the questions as you can. Don’t be afraid to choose “pass” … answer as truthfully as you can. Good luck!

What is your ideal ‘first date’ movie?

A gentle romantic comedy
A “Troma” film
17-hour animal pr0n marathon
Snuff movie
Streetfighter the (live action) Movie

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Do you work out?

Constantly
Never
A little
Check out these triceps!
Check out this wrist muscle!

——

How do you start your day?

Full English breakfast
Leftover pizza
Naked, oiled wrestling with the postman
A quick 8 hour internet session
Vomiting

——

How do you enjoy spending your Friday nights?

Sitting curled up in a ball weeping
Chatting w/ my gr8 m8s online!
A night out with the lads
Standing outside Electronics Boutique touching yourself
Unconsious

——

What do you yell when you leap into bed with your lover?

BANZAI!
Geronimo!
I hope the puncture repair kit worked!
Mother!
S-S-SHIT-SEX!!

——–

What’s your astrological sign?

Ares
Leo
I don’t know
Who cares
A non-fruity one

——-

Do you have a criminal record?

Nope
Yes, for a minor offence
Yes, for soliciting
I’m a hardened criminal
I’m a serial killer
20 YAERS FOR HAX0RING TEH FBI!!1

——

Do you have a pet?

Cat
Dog
Monster
They don’t allow pets in padded cells
I ate it

—–

What number appeals to you the most?

4
23
9
61
2

——-

Which of these is the most ‘cultured’?

Masturbating at the Opera
Watching pr0n for the storylines
Quoting Shakespeare to the guy who just stole your wallet
Sticking your fingers in a plug socket

——-

Which of these words makes you blush?

Nipple
Clitoris
Bacon
Guily Gear X

——-

Who’s your favourite Spice Girl?

Ginger Spice
Ginger Spice
Ginger Spice
Ginger Spice
I think this poll is rigged
I WANT THEM ALL AT ONCE!

——-

What are you looking for in a relationship?

Long lasting friendship
Cheap, meaningless seX0r
Arm-wrestling partner
Someone to play SF3 with

——

Which Gundam Wing character are you most like?

Heero
Duo
Quatre
Wu-Fei
The gay one

—–

What was the last thing a member of the opposite sex said to you?

See you later, big boy
Here’s your lunch dear
STOP FOLLOWING ME!
That’ll be $270

—

How are you finding this test so far?

It’s OK I guess…
Boring
Gay
I’m pretending I got bored and gave up

—-

Who’s your favourite Village Person?

Red Indian
Construction Worker
Traffic Cop
Army guy
Cowboy

——

Which vegetable are you most like?

Tomato
Carrot
Pea
Lettuce
Onion

——

Who was your favourite character in Shen Mue?

Ryo (sailor seeker)
Nozomi (the hottest slut ever)
Fuku-San (dork)
Goro (ARGH)
Ine-San (old but graceful ass)
Tom (RYO MON!)

——-

Who would you do from the “Dungeons & Dragons” cartoon?

Hank
Sheila
Eric
Diana
Presto
Bobby
Venger
Dungeon Master
Uni >_<

——-

I like to eat…

Food
Rocks
Live animals
People
Soil

—–

My friends think of me as:

Wild and crazy
That fucking idiot
The bank
Mr. Jack
WHAT FRIENDS?!?!

——-

My philosophy on life is:

Live and let live
Let god sort ‘em out
You only live once
Everyone hates me
Kill ‘em all!

——–

Do you like:

City folk
Country boys
Village People

—

What size/shape partner are you looking for?

Dwarf
Hunchback
Collosus
Massively overweight

——

What are your musical tastes?

80’s crap
Boybands
Britney
Gospel Choirs
Metal
Plastic
Wood

—

What is your most attractive feature?

Face
Ass
Breasts
Middle finger
Right eyebrow
Tentacles

——–

Do you drink?

No
Sometimes
All the time
FUKC YUO TEETLLYOTLALRAS¬!!1,dsmfcv m

——–

Are you religious?

Yes
No
I *am* god

—-

How crappy did this test turn out?

Abysmal
Terrible
Moronic
Cretinous
A new low

——–

Now click “SUBMIT” and using the miracle of random number selection … uh .. I mean, our sophisticated matching technology — your ideal partner and choice of venue will be revealed! Please don’t sue us.

Results:

Your Ideal match is:

Neil

After a brisk stroll around St. James’ Park, this charming (pft), witty (haha) and handsome (wahaha!) English gentlemen will take you to dinner and regale you with stories of the royal family and fox-hunting and other crap.

He will be too shy to hold you hand or even look you in the eye the entire time, and will round off the evening with a hilarious Hugh Grant/Mr Bean-style bumbling accident, such as falling out of a window. I say.

Red

Rather than any of this poncey “eating out” rubbish — Red will take you into the outback for a romantic night under the stars. Here you will enjoy roasted Dingo in a python sauce, take potshots at the Aborigines and, if you’re lucky, even get to see him wrestle a Crocodile.

Rinoa

If this wasn’t a totally random test I’d say you were cheating. You and Rinoa will spend the evening in one of Canada’s l33test bars and you will sit in awkward silence throughout most of the date, only punctuated by your pathetic attempts at humour and her politely forced laughter. Later on, her boyfriend will appear from nowhere and beat the living shit out of you.

STrat

You and STarts will spend a romantic evening at his enormous mansion, constructed entirely out of pirated PSX disks. After listening to the melodic strains of Blink 182 (THEY’RE NOT A BOYBAND!!!) for nine hours, he will then phone someone else while you’re in the room, and proceed to tell them what a crappy date you were, you tired confused drunkard you.

HardCore

Hardcore will refuse to talk to you until he gets you home, whereupon he will go into his room, turn his PC on, place you into another room also with a PC, then you will IRC chat the night away. His favourite topics for discussion include the singer Shakira, and crappy old N64 fighting games that no-one else likes.

EVA

After touring the city in his pink pimpmobile with zebra-striped roof, EVA will take you to his apartment, where he will sweet-talk you to the strains of Isaac Hayes songs, and, if you play your cards right, he’ll do the “banana” trick on you…