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Review: Clayfighter 63 1/3 |
Eesh. How does one review this? As a game? Or as a stand-up comedy routine? In either case, this game gets a fairly pitiful score. However, I’ll do what I can.
Clay Fighter has always been a series you play for laughs, and not for looks, sounds, and gameplay. The original on SNES was downright hilarious, and my friends and I still make Blue Suede Goo comments to this day (”Watch the hair, man!”). The sequel, also on SNES, was a little lacking in the humor dept. (being sans BSG and Taffy), and therefore tanked. This game, strangely enough, is better than C2:Judgment Clay in every right, but still makes me sick to my stomach. It has its moments, though.
Graphics? Heh. Funny. The characters in this clay-filled extravaganza were supposed to be 64-ized. *ANNGH!* Try again, pal. They look about .01% better than the ol’ SNES versions. Not only that, but they animate almost as badly as the “primitive” Sooper Nintendo. Here I was, expectin’ all the fun and joy of Bad Mr. Frosty in all his glorious 64-bit might. Instead, I get the same ol’, same ol’. Oh well. The backgrounds, surprisingly, are a sight to behold. They’re pretty standard N64 fare, though. Not all is as it seems, though. Those backgrounds are the holy harbingers of hell. BUT…. I’ll get to that later.
Sound? Hmm. Well, I gotta give ‘em credit. I did chuckle. First and foremost, a great big handshake to whoever had the idea to use the famous boxing ring announcer (whose name escapes me) for their pre-match “LLLLLET’S GET READY TO CRRRUUUMBBBBLLLEEE!!” Hilarious (though it gets tiring after hearing it 500 times). From there on, it’s a mixed batch. Some of the moves and supers have very humorous voice-overs to go with them (anything Kung Pow says), while some are just annoying (anything Taffy, T. Hoppy, or Ickybod says). The combos: from Itty Bitty Combo (3 hits) and Lame Combo (4 hits) to Triple Brown Betty Combo (12-14 hits, I think) and Ludicrous Combo (20+), I was trying every possible number of hits, just so I could listen to the computer insult my awful game prowess. :) The music I could live without. It attempts to be moody and atmospheric. That just doesn’t work in a game like this. Though Kung Pow’s music is, how we say, appropriate.
Hmmm… I don’t know any other way to put it. The gameplay in this game is non-existant. It’s as though Interclay (cute) just tried to win gamers over by accompanying just about every other game into this jumbled mess. It didn’t work. The choppy animation and awful lag time between what you do and what the character on screen does makes you wanna pound your 64 with a blunt object. The combo system is ripped directly off Killer Instinct. Move, link, finisher. The round system is also straight KI. Die, bar gets refilled once, keep fighting till someone loses both bars. Yay! There are also finishing moves, a la MK/KI. There’s a 1000+ hit combo finish, which takes about 5 to 10 minutes to finish. While obviously poking fun at KI (a pasttime where I work), it’s only funny the first time. Each successive time there after, you wanna beat the ever loving bejesus out of anyone who even thinks about doing it. There are also Claytalities. [waits for people to laugh] [still waiting] An obvious, and long overdue, shot at MK’s near-patented techniques. They also are funny the first time, and annoying every time there after.
Let me get this out in the open right now: nothing pisses me off more than a game that isn’t finished. Two seperate instances: 1) In the middle of playing a match, I knocked a guy into another part of the stage (another blatant rip from another game). Right when the game was about to continue… it froze, and the screen had a message reading “Fatal error: …” Eh?! I’m sorry, but if you’re going to make someone spend $59.99 plus tax for your game, at least have the common courtesy to work out all the bugs first (I’m talkin’ to YOU, Boon!). 2) While playing a match on Houngan’s stage, my character actually got stuck behind a piece of the scenery and couldn’t get out. This has actually happened on three seperate occasions. Once again, read my response to #1. ARGH!
The characters in this “fighting game” are also a mixed batch. It’s good to see Ickybod Clay, Bonkers, and Taffy return. However, I would’ve mouy thankful if they’d gotten rid of T. Hoppy and The Blob (original character idea, but personally… I’m kinda tired of looking at him). The new characters are unusual, to say the least. Kung Pow is a karate chef whose moves have names like Lo Mein, Egg Fu Yung, and Poo Poo Platter. By far the funniest addition to the game (His winning pose had my friends and I in stitches… it’s incredibly stereotypical, but so damned funny!) Houngan is a voodoo witch doctor type (with stereotypical Jamaican accent). Blah. Earthworm Jim is a strange, and altogether unwelcome, sight. He just doesn’t belong. Boogerman I can understand. EWJ.. no. Sumo Santa… the name says it all. There’s also a boss… some mad doctor. Don’t care.
All in all, this game is not for the fighting enthusiast. If you understand what Clay Fighter is all about, then by all means, give it a try. You’ll have yourself a few belly laughs, but they will only be brief intermissions between bouts of uncontrollable screaming and crying (”WHY did I spend $60 on this useless filth!?!?”). It’s not really that bad. Who am I kidding? It sure as hell seems that way.
Bottom Line: If you’re not a fan of CF, avoid it like the plague. If you are, rent it. The sick sadist in you might be able to get past it’s glaring flaws.
